His Plan

I was doing the dishes this afternoon and something that happened almost 9 years ago came to mind. I continued praying but my mind circled back to it not letting me move on.  I started writing in my head and wondered if I had ever touched this topic on the blog. I don't remember so I decided to get it on paper.

I listened to a sermon from our preacher yesterday that I suspect has a bit to do with my thought process. He was discussing joy in the Christian's life. He reminded me that joy does not come from circumstances but in spite of them. It doesn't always look like smiley happy people. Often it is simply (Ha!) recognizing God's presence in all of our life situations.

Nine years ago was my first taste of a plan that I did not agree with. Don't get me wrong, I had experienced plenty of heartache and sad situations prior to that point. I had made bad decisions and lived with the consequences. I had always thought that God's plan was where I wanted to be. I thought I knew and trusted that his path was best and so the heartache up to this point was something I could live with and move past. Miscarriage, though, was not in my plan. And frankly, I didn't think it should be in God's plan either. At that point in my life I saw just how in control I actually wanted to be. I no longer wanted to trust what God had for me.

I'm not exactly sure how I made it through that time. I remember crying a lot and being angry a lot. And then God began to heal me. Not because I deserved it or because I stopped asking why but because He is a good God. Because His promises do not fail. Because if we cast our anxieties on him He cares. I do remember a moment in church when we sang the song "This is How We Overcome" by Hillsong. I remember crying and feeling as though my joy was being restored.

A little less than a year after my healing began I saw the reason for my miscarriage. I saw the sweetest face I had ever laid eyes on. I held my sweet baby Gracie and saw that she was a part of God's plan. I don't always love where God takes me in this life but in that experience I learned a little more about myself. I learned that I needed more work. I needed to trust more in God's plan and choose to find joy in all circumstances. Sometimes joy comes in the night through tears of pain and loss and sometimes it looks like sitting in a pew with tears streaming down. But here's what I'm thinking...If we are weeping and praying and longing for Him to make it right then we are right where He wants us to be - at the cross looking to Him because we know and believe that His plan is best.