11 months

I sat in the back of the van tonight on the way home to feed Evan his bedtime bottle (we like to get bedtime done as quick as possible after church on Wednesday evenings). He waited patiently as I mixed it and drank it down just as he normally does. Then we had a chance to flirt a little bit. He gave me goo goo eyes and played with my hands. He laughed at my wiggly fingers and tried to share his pacifier with me a few times. He was sleepy so a few times he just held my hand and put his head to the side to rest a bit. He reached across the middle of the car to his sister and she handed him the book she was reading (an enthralling tale of patience as portrayed by cookie monster) and his eyes lit up with the sweetness of her sharing.

It hit me in those sweet moments. The overwhelming feeling of love and thankfulness. I don't always have that overwhelming feeling. Sometimes I'm just tired or busy or bored. But in those moments I remembered just how blessed I am by this sweet little boy.

He is 11 months old. He will be one in less than 4 weeks. He is full of energy and smiles. I put him down and he giggles with excitement as he puts his head down and crawls full speed ahead toward whatever his sister is doing. He makes us laugh with his scrunchy faces. He shakes his head back and forth when he gets excited. He laughs when I put him in the laundry basket and toss all the clean socks in one by one. He squeals for all sorts of communication...good and bad. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he's mad or excited.

Tonight Gracie thanked God for Evan. Specifically for "Evan, the cutest boy in the world." I hope she always thanks God for Evan. I know I will.

Note to Evan:

You are almost one. This year has gone so fast. You bring joy to our lives that we cannot describe. I am so thankful that God put you in our family. I am so thankful for sweet moments in this busy life that I get to just stare at you and try to memorize your sweet little baby face. It will go too fast. I will pray for you as you grow and trust that God will guide you on your path.

Big

Sometimes I think Gracie is big. I think she is big enough to get dressed all by herself or clean her room without my help. I think she is big enough to understand what I am trying to tell her. Or maybe even pick herself up after a fall and brush herself off to move on.

Then, in a moment, I catch a glimpse of her and I see how really small she is. She is untouched by the pain of this world. She is blissfully unaware of the evil that exists among us. She has experienced only minor discomfort in the form of bumps and bruises. She has experienced only slight sadness in the unkind words of a friend. One day, she will see and feel all the bad things. She will  hurt physically and emotionally. She will fear the evil. She will begin to understand some of the things I am trying to teach her and I will not be there to pick her up after a fall.

But right now, I will pick her up. I will help her get dressed when she asks because the world she is learning about is sometimes just too distracting to get both socks on in a speedy manner. I will help her clean her room because her little being is too busy having fun with her surroundings to focus on putting all the toys away by herself for 15 minutes. So I will help her until she gains that focus. I will pick her up when she falls (even if it is her fault) and kiss her booboos and get "Mr. frog" out of the freezer because sometimes just a little attention is what heals the hurt best. She is so smart and so naive all at the same time. She is learning so much and makes me so proud everyday. She is so big sometimes and yet so small.

I am trying not to wish away the "little." I am trying to enjoy the silly, sweet, sensitive little girl that she is. God does not make mistakes. She is easily distracted, always silly, sometimes unaware and so eager to learn all because that's how he made her. I think that's how he made most 3 almost 4 year olds. I

She'll be four in a month. Bigger, but still small.