To Remember

There are moments with my kids that I don't want to forget. I sometimes pause and try and make a mental picture, an image I will be able to recall in years to come. When they are all grown and flying the coop I would like to remember what it was like to have them little. To have the giggles and the running feet and even the chaos surrounding me.

A few weeks ago Ada asked for fruit snacks in her sweet two year old way. "Mama, I have fruit snacks now?" Her head cocked to the side and the pitch of her voice raised just a bit to be extra soft and sweet. I said, "Yes." because I am not a monster (and those eyes!) and followed her to the pantry. There is just something about following a two-year old around. She used to be so little and unsure. Now she seems so big and confident. She can open the pantry door, after all! I watched her little head lead me to the gold at the end of the snack request and made a wish to remember following these sweet little bodies around the house as they led me on the adventures that little preschoolers go on. To remember what it looks like to see an infant go from crawling to toddling to confidently stepping through life with purpose. Little humans growing up!

This morning Evan had his final basketball game of the season. He has improved over the six weeks he has been playing. Sometimes it's hard to watch my kids struggle at something new. I want to dribble for them and tell them where to go and who to guard. During the game Evan caught a catch and made a basket. Matt caught it on video. What he didn't catch on video is the look on his face. I was sitting behind the goal and after he made that shot he looked directly at me with a look of surprise on his face. He was asking if I saw it with his eyes. I gave him a big smile and a thumbs up. I was such a proud mom in that moment. Not just because he made a goal but because he was so pleased with himself. I hope to never forget the look on his face as he found me in the crowd to share in his excitement.

I was shopping at a craft show a couple of weeks ago and I found something that I just knew I had to get for Gracie. It was a little wooden plaque with the words "Bless the Lord oh my soul" on it. Every time I hear the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman I think of little Gracie singing "Bless the Lord of my sword" so many years ago. I gave her the plaque this week and told her the story of listening to her sing the words she had come up with in the back seat many years ago. She didn't remember singing those words but she does know the song now. She asked "Alexa" to play the song for us while she crafted and I cleaned the kitchen. Mother and Daughter singing praises to our Heavenly Father.

"The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing 
When the evening comes..."

Lord, let me "sing your song" with every new day. Let my children see me face "whatever lies before me" with a song in my heart. Let me remember all these sweet moments when the evening comes. 

Brilliant Fall Fields

I have been doing a lot of driving these days. To preschool to drop off, to preschool to pick up, to Bible study, to the grocery store, to the store for party supplies, etc. As I drive I often "write" in my head. I listen for the words that God may give me and hope I remember them when I get to a computer or notepad to jot them down. Today I have been specifically thinking about my kids and the words I might use to wish them a happy birthday this month. I know they will not read them this year. They are too young for Facebook and don't visit the blog. But I love creating a moment for them that they may be able to read later in life and know that Mom was thinking of them. I have been "writing" about all the beautiful Fall colors for a week now and today God gave me the words I wanted to share with my little ones.

In the past week I have been overtaken by the beauty in this season. I have driven past many areas where the bright yellow, orange, red and brown leaves have fallen to blanket the ground in a golden hue that only God could create. As I see the sun shining through the leaves in the trees that have yet to fall I have been tempted on many occasions to pull over and stand in the middle of that shining moment. I think it must be so warm, so peaceful, there. Eyes closed, the sun on my face and the sound of rustling leaves all around. It is a picture of Heaven I think. Standing in the middle of God's presence, His light shining on my face and the sound of angels praising all around.

My kid's birthdays are like those brilliant Fall fields for me. Every year I am overtaken by the beauty in each child God has blessed us with. I am so grateful for the way the Lord is working in my life and in theirs. I want to stop and pull over and dance with my babies in a forest full of colors that only God can create and remind them, not only how much I love them, but how much the Father in Heaven loves them.

So, I wish my babies, Happy Birthday! I pray that this year is filled with many moments that cause us to stop and pull over to stand in the presence of the God who created all.

Confession

A couple of weeks ago during our family prayer before bedtime Matt prayed,  "Help us to show you to other people." When he was done he asked our kids if they knew what that meant. They remained quiet thinking through the answer. I asked them if they knew what the fruit of the Spirit was (Galations 5:22-23) and was pleasantly surprised when Gracie started to list the different qualities of the fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (props to our wonderful kids program teachers at North Central for impressing this truth into her precious mind)

We discussed how we know that if we see apples on a tree it is an apple tree, that if we see oranges on a tree it is an orange tree and that if people see the fruit of the spirit in us they will know we are God's trees. It got really silly there for a bit. Picture this mom waving her arms around and the kids laughing it up. We had a serious discussion about whether my fingers were the fruit or the branches...it got real!

It's funny how discussions with my kids and teaching moments for them flow into a time of learning and growing for me as well.

I started BSF this year and we are studying the book of John. I have read and studied this book before but BSF has been taking me deeper. It has turned my focus to Jesus and my life in relationship to Him. It has allowed the spirit to convict me of things in my life that need to change. I am human and I fall short daily. I forget to love the people around me, I trade joy for frustration and discontentment, I am impatient with my children and I let my lack of self control rob my peace, I am not always kind to the people closest to me, sometimes my thoughts are far from good and my gentleness turns into harshness, I succumb to pride and forget that my gifts are from God and I am nothing without Him.

 I think, even as a faithful follower of God, I forget that all I have is His. That all I do is for Him. That all my fruit should point to him.

In John 3:22-36 Jesus came to baptize many people as John the Baptist had been doing before. John the Baptist's disciples were envious of Jesus and they thought John might be too. But his reaction was not one of pride or envy. He was so humble. He was overjoyed that Jesus was coming to fulfill the promise. He said, in verse 30, "He must increase, but I must decrease." I can't get those words out of my mind. My focus is shifting. God is working in me in places I hadn't realized I needed Him to before. This walk is not one that is ever done and I am thankful for that. I am Thankful that God will not leave me where I am but calls me to come and learn and grow and share and experience the peace and joy that comes from knowing and following Him. So if you have a mind to, please pray for me. That I will decrease and that He will increase.

His Plan

I was doing the dishes this afternoon and something that happened almost 9 years ago came to mind. I continued praying but my mind circled back to it not letting me move on.  I started writing in my head and wondered if I had ever touched this topic on the blog. I don't remember so I decided to get it on paper.

I listened to a sermon from our preacher yesterday that I suspect has a bit to do with my thought process. He was discussing joy in the Christian's life. He reminded me that joy does not come from circumstances but in spite of them. It doesn't always look like smiley happy people. Often it is simply (Ha!) recognizing God's presence in all of our life situations.

Nine years ago was my first taste of a plan that I did not agree with. Don't get me wrong, I had experienced plenty of heartache and sad situations prior to that point. I had made bad decisions and lived with the consequences. I had always thought that God's plan was where I wanted to be. I thought I knew and trusted that his path was best and so the heartache up to this point was something I could live with and move past. Miscarriage, though, was not in my plan. And frankly, I didn't think it should be in God's plan either. At that point in my life I saw just how in control I actually wanted to be. I no longer wanted to trust what God had for me.

I'm not exactly sure how I made it through that time. I remember crying a lot and being angry a lot. And then God began to heal me. Not because I deserved it or because I stopped asking why but because He is a good God. Because His promises do not fail. Because if we cast our anxieties on him He cares. I do remember a moment in church when we sang the song "This is How We Overcome" by Hillsong. I remember crying and feeling as though my joy was being restored.

A little less than a year after my healing began I saw the reason for my miscarriage. I saw the sweetest face I had ever laid eyes on. I held my sweet baby Gracie and saw that she was a part of God's plan. I don't always love where God takes me in this life but in that experience I learned a little more about myself. I learned that I needed more work. I needed to trust more in God's plan and choose to find joy in all circumstances. Sometimes joy comes in the night through tears of pain and loss and sometimes it looks like sitting in a pew with tears streaming down. But here's what I'm thinking...If we are weeping and praying and longing for Him to make it right then we are right where He wants us to be - at the cross looking to Him because we know and believe that His plan is best.

Little Moments

Today Ada started swinging her arms. She did it while she was waiting patiently in the kitchen for a snack. Picture a little 15 month old in her too big 18 month footie pajamas. She brings me a bowl and I ask her if she wants a snack. She nods her head and says, "nack." She watches me go into the pantry and come out with the fruity cheerios box (don't judge) and hands me the bowl. Then she starts swinging her arms. Back to front, back to front. She can sort of hold a bowl without spilling all of its contents but only for about 30 seconds and only if she's not mobile. They spill! Then she sits and starts eating them off the floor and putting some back in the bowl. It's a bit of a mess. Especially if they don't get picked up and they get crushed but the dog will clean them up soon enough. I will hand that sweet toddler a bowl full of fruity cheerios and deal with crushed cereal all day long if she swings those arms so sweetly while she waits. It's the little moments like this that I hope I don't forget when they grow up.