The Truth

The last few weeks have been torture for me. I am willing and ready to admit right now that I am the weakest person I know. Warning: what you are about to read is the God's honest truth about the person I am. I could create an anonymous blog to get this stuff off of my chest but I decided against it. I decided that maybe what I am about to write will help someone else who has been, is going through, or will go through this stuff. Or maybe I am the only one who is this pathetic. By any means I've got to say it out loud, if only to lighten my load a bit. For those of you who love me: proceed with caution, this might change the way you think about me.

Gracie started a few weeks ago waking in the middle of the night several times and it progressed to waking every couple of hours over the last two nights. I do not handle this well at all. I tried the paci dance (replacing the paci every time she cried) but this only afforded me about 40 minutes of sleep in between steps. I tried letting her cry it out which works the first couple of times but by round three my blood is boiling. I've made a couple of early morning (read 4 am) trips to walmart just to cool off. I went for a drive last night at 10 pm and thought seriously about renting a hotel room. I have consistently been getting about 4 hours of sleep a night which makes me a blubbering fool all day long and basically mad at the world.

I love Gracie. I will always love Gracie. I know that this time will pass and I will probably forget all about it just in time to start going through it again with a sibling for Gracie one day but right now I am broken. I get so angry. Not at Gracie. I know she's just a baby and she cries because that is all she can do to communicate. I am angry at myself mostly because I don't know what to do. I don't know if she's hungry or cold or hot. I don't know if she needs a paci or if I should just let her cry. My blood boils and I start to think that all I want is for Gracie to be quiet so I can sleep and then I get angry at myself for not being a good mom and being understanding of these difficult times for her. Then I start praying but that doesn't make me feel better. Then I start thinking I'm crazy because it's not like God is smiting me. There are probably millions of people going through this exact same sleepless night right now. And then I start sobbing. And somewhere between Gracie's cries and my cries I fall asleep. Most days are good. She wakes up smiling and I wake up not crying. And then there are days when all I can think about is tonight. Will she sleep good? Will she be up every two hours? Will I sleep at all?

I'm not writing this so that everyone can feel sorry for me. I'm writing this so that hopefully I will start feeling less sorry for myself. In my mind I know I am being a big baby but at 2 am after 1.5 hours of sleep it's hard to think rationally. Poor Matt must be exhausted living with two babies. :)

So there it is. My plight as a mother. Maybe I'm the only one who has ever felt this way. My hope is that if anyone ever googles "crazy mom" and comes across this post they'll find some relief in knowing that they're not the only ones. That I was crazy once too. Of course, my ultimate hope is that in a few months things will be better and I will no longer feel like a nut. I will gladly accept any prayers on my little family's behalf. I need God's peaceful presence now more than ever in my life.

Note to Gracie:

I love you little girl! When you are old enough to read this I will probably not even remember my crazy sleepless nights. That's because you have provided more joy in my life than I can even put in words. In the grand scheme of things a few sleepless months is worth the gift that you have been to me.