When We Pray

Oh, these babies. These babies that take the words right out of me. When my little ones are tiny I put them to bed at night and sometimes make this little sound that can only be described as a grunt. Matt heard it once and thought I was upset or frustrated about something. Understandable, since it does have a bit of "umph" to it. I had to explain to him that sometimes when I look at them all sweet and cozy and peaceful my love for them literally cannot be kept inside and sort of escapes as that sound.

Small moments in my day bring forth that sound. When Gracie, so peacefully helps her brother with something without being asked. When Evan runs to give Gracie a hug without being prompted. When a wrong choice has been made and we come together to forgive and talk about grace. When Gracie tells me about the tadpole at preschool that did not make it and how he is in heaven now but, "Don't worry because the people there are taking care of him and so is God." When we stop to pray before bed and Evan sits down and folds his hands (for the prayer that will be short and sweet so as to encourage his sitting for such an occasion without expecting too much from an 18 month old). These moments are fleeting. They are fast and I'm sure many go by without me noticing.

But then I have a week like the last few that force me to slow down and enjoy the little things. I have big things on my mind. I have struggles within me that are slowly bubbling to the surface and they cause my mind to constantly be searching for God and His will and He is bringing me to these moments. To these prayers that are uttered in between dishes and laundry and sopping wet carpets. To these moments where my love for my children reminds me of my Father's love for me.

I have no doubt He speaks to me through them. I have no doubt that the way I feel for them is only a sampling of what He feels for me. For all of His children. I so love that He reminds me of that by opening my eyes to the small moments that take my breath away.

Note to Gracie and Evan:

You are both wonderful. You are little lights that shine in my everyday. Though you are human and make mistakes, as I do, you are deserving of grace in every way. Though you are little and learning you still find ways to make me go, "Hmmm?" You keep me on my toes and you help me dance a little while I'm there. You keep me laughing and sometimes crying and always loving.

Mom Guilt

Facebook has become something strange to me. It is a great way to keep up with friends and to communicate with my church family but it is also, at times, a great source of guilt for me. Not guilt in general but mom guilt. There is a plethora of information on the web about raising children. There are opinions about everything and scientific facts to back up nearly every opinion. The articles that get posted on Facebook are often at one end of the spectrum or the other. There are not many "in between" articles to read because, well, those aren't very interesting. 

I know my Facebook friends post articles because they are passionate about a subject or because they feel like it might help another mom and I bet they do sometimes. I bet some moms come away from those articles thinking, "I didn't know that, maybe I'll try XYZ next time ABC happens." Or maybe a new mom reads and finds comfort in some advice she's been waiting for. For that reason those articles are nice to see come across my feed. 

But every once in awhile one of those articles hits me the wrong way. It eats at my heart trying to convince me that I did it wrong. That my little guy will not turn out okay because I accidentally forgot to open his door one night when he was an infant and so didn't hear him cry to eat in the night (true story). Or that my sweet girl will be overly needy because one night when she was a baby and feeding wasn't going smoothly I had to set her down and walk away for a bit because exhaustion and post pregnancy hormones don't always unite to create a euphoric state of being (another true story).

One of those articles popped up last night. I felt the wave of guilt come on quickly. I jumped up from my seat and began to circle the house. Gracie, Evan, bedroom. Kitchen, water. Not helping. Praying. Laying hands on my girl. God bless her. Erase my wrongs so that she will prevail a strong, confident woman who knows you and loves you and shares you with others. Laying hands on my boy. God bless him. Erase my wrongs so that he will prevail a strong, confident man who knows you and loves you and shares you with others. God remove this guilt. Bring peace. Bring Peace. Computer on. Words coming. Tears falling. Husband affirming. Word of God calming. Peace coming. In God resting. Sleep healing. Daughter waking. Son cooing. Joy coming. Sun shining. 

In my therapeutic writing last night I defined two terms that are very relevant to me in my season of life. 

Mom guilt [mom gilt]

noun

The nagging feeling that you are not doing it right.

Mom Peace [mom pees]

noun

1. Remembering that God created you with purpose and one of those purposes is to raise these babies with His help and guidance. 

2. Recognition that there are many ways to "train a child in the way he should go" (Pvb 22:6) but only one God to point him towards. 

3. Relief in knowing that God will "never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb. 13:5) in life or in parenthood.

"So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"" Hebrews 13:6

I could not do this mom thing alone. The Lord has provided me with such wonderful support in the form of a wonderful husband, loving parents and amazing friends. I am constantly leaning on Him to pick up the broken pieces of a situation I created in my faulty human way. I am continually praying that guilt will leave and grace will stay. Grace, not just for my kids and my people but for myself too.

Love

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. It is a day that gets sort of swept away in this house. It all starts in November with the kid's birthdays, Christmas in December, our anniversary in January, and finally Matt's birthday at the beginning of February. We're almost tired of celebrating by the time this strange little day rolls around.

Don't get me wrong, I can always find little trinkets that the kids love and who doesn't enjoy an old fashioned box of chocolates (to go with all the girl scout cookies we're eating)? Matt and I usually find a card for each other and sometimes I'm lucky enough to get a beautiful bouquet of flowers. If I have the energy I like to make heart shaped food and turn everything I can pink so the kids will get a kick out of the day.

Yesterday was an extra special Valentine's Day for me. It started with the kids enjoying the little gifts I got them. Gracie had a preschool party and Evan was just happy to be home from our trip to Texas so we were all in good spirits. Matt worked from home and, although he had planned to make it to the store for a card and some flowers, he apologized that the day just got away from him and he wasn't able to. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts. He decided to take me and the kids out for a date instead so we all loaded up and had our lovely dinner at Chick Fil A. There were balloons and the kids got to play and I could not help but feel so blessed to have all of my valentines with me, smiling and healthy.

I just love my family.

I love how Evan's feet dance a little when he gets excited. How he side steps and bobs back and forth just because he's a little boy with everything to be happy about. I love how he is starting to say his sister's name and how he melts hearts by reaching his arms up for a hug. I love that he is energetic and so curious.

I love Gracie's silly side. I love that she sings through life and dances in the airport as we wait for a flight. I love that she prefers to wear skirts because they just spin better. I love that during her extra 15 minutes after Evan goes to bed she wants to play games with me and her daddy and that she says,  "Great job cleaning up the living room so we can play a game mommy." She's my little encourager.

I love Matt's thoughtfulness. I love that he knew I would rather eat Chick Fil A with my family than spend time cooking and cleaning. I love that he is raising our kids with patience and takes the time to really be with them and teach them the things they want to know. He's actually better than I am at those things. I love that he extends grace when I need it.

I pray daily that I can show my family the kind of love God calls me to. The kind that extends grace in moments when it is very hard to love. The kind that takes a deep breath and remembers that these children are imperfect as I am and still learning as I am and deserve hugs and kisses and encouragement and correction without losing my cool. The kind that sees through a wrong done or a mistake made and realizes that I am not without sin. The kind that smiles and laughs and says, "I love you to the moon and back." and means it.

Mother of a Boy

Tonight at Chik Fil A (our frequent Wednesday night dinner before church) Gracie looked up at me and said, "Mom you have two kids. One girl and one boy." My reply was simple, "You're right! I do."

I've been the mother of a girl for four years now and on Friday I will have been the mother of a boy for one year. One very quick year.

When we were pregnant with our second child and found out we were going to have a boy I was excited that our little family would be a lot like mine and Matt's (both with one girl and one boy). I was also excited to get to experience the raising of both genders. It has been fun to witness the differences between Gracie and Evan. I'm not sure if they are entirely related to his gender but it doesn't really matter because they are entirely his own traits.

Evan is cuddly. He really likes to sit in my lap and just be close to me. He often crawls over to have me flip him upside down in my lap or just give him hugs and kisses. Gracie was not quite as clingy at this age. He has no fear. He heads right off the edge of any surface with no realization of how high he may be or what lies beneath. Gracie was very cautious. She would wait, watch and then try to do something once she knew it was safe or I would be there to catch her. Evan is quick. He crawls quickly, he escapes quickly and he goes for the remote as if it's made of gold. He has been quick to learn new skills like sippy cups and eating big people food. I imagine that is mostly because he wants to be just like sissy.

My baby boy will be one on Friday. I am the mother of a boy and I love it. I'm looking forward to all the dirt, the frogs, the noise and mostly all the love. Because one thing I've discovered in raising one sweet girl and one silly boy is that the love is all the same.

11 months

I sat in the back of the van tonight on the way home to feed Evan his bedtime bottle (we like to get bedtime done as quick as possible after church on Wednesday evenings). He waited patiently as I mixed it and drank it down just as he normally does. Then we had a chance to flirt a little bit. He gave me goo goo eyes and played with my hands. He laughed at my wiggly fingers and tried to share his pacifier with me a few times. He was sleepy so a few times he just held my hand and put his head to the side to rest a bit. He reached across the middle of the car to his sister and she handed him the book she was reading (an enthralling tale of patience as portrayed by cookie monster) and his eyes lit up with the sweetness of her sharing.

It hit me in those sweet moments. The overwhelming feeling of love and thankfulness. I don't always have that overwhelming feeling. Sometimes I'm just tired or busy or bored. But in those moments I remembered just how blessed I am by this sweet little boy.

He is 11 months old. He will be one in less than 4 weeks. He is full of energy and smiles. I put him down and he giggles with excitement as he puts his head down and crawls full speed ahead toward whatever his sister is doing. He makes us laugh with his scrunchy faces. He shakes his head back and forth when he gets excited. He laughs when I put him in the laundry basket and toss all the clean socks in one by one. He squeals for all sorts of communication...good and bad. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he's mad or excited.

Tonight Gracie thanked God for Evan. Specifically for "Evan, the cutest boy in the world." I hope she always thanks God for Evan. I know I will.

Note to Evan:

You are almost one. This year has gone so fast. You bring joy to our lives that we cannot describe. I am so thankful that God put you in our family. I am so thankful for sweet moments in this busy life that I get to just stare at you and try to memorize your sweet little baby face. It will go too fast. I will pray for you as you grow and trust that God will guide you on your path.

Big

Sometimes I think Gracie is big. I think she is big enough to get dressed all by herself or clean her room without my help. I think she is big enough to understand what I am trying to tell her. Or maybe even pick herself up after a fall and brush herself off to move on.

Then, in a moment, I catch a glimpse of her and I see how really small she is. She is untouched by the pain of this world. She is blissfully unaware of the evil that exists among us. She has experienced only minor discomfort in the form of bumps and bruises. She has experienced only slight sadness in the unkind words of a friend. One day, she will see and feel all the bad things. She will  hurt physically and emotionally. She will fear the evil. She will begin to understand some of the things I am trying to teach her and I will not be there to pick her up after a fall.

But right now, I will pick her up. I will help her get dressed when she asks because the world she is learning about is sometimes just too distracting to get both socks on in a speedy manner. I will help her clean her room because her little being is too busy having fun with her surroundings to focus on putting all the toys away by herself for 15 minutes. So I will help her until she gains that focus. I will pick her up when she falls (even if it is her fault) and kiss her booboos and get "Mr. frog" out of the freezer because sometimes just a little attention is what heals the hurt best. She is so smart and so naive all at the same time. She is learning so much and makes me so proud everyday. She is so big sometimes and yet so small.

I am trying not to wish away the "little." I am trying to enjoy the silly, sweet, sensitive little girl that she is. God does not make mistakes. She is easily distracted, always silly, sometimes unaware and so eager to learn all because that's how he made her. I think that's how he made most 3 almost 4 year olds. I

She'll be four in a month. Bigger, but still small.

Thirty

Thirty seems like a lot of years. When you are young thirty seems old. Then you make it to thirty and you realize that thirty just scratches the surface.

By the grace of God I am exactly where I wanted to be at the age of thirty. I'm not the kind of person who makes lists about what I want my life to look like in five or ten years. However, in approaching this milestone birthday I've been doing a lot of contemplating about my life. Every way I look at these thirty years they have been amazing. 

I have been blessed with parents who love me unconditionally and support me in everything I do. I have a brother who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think I'm a bratty little sister anymore. He married a woman I am proud to call a sister who has given me one beautiful niece and two handsome nephews. I met the man of my dreams my last year of college and still managed to eek out a degree without dropping out to elope. My mother-in-law and father-in-law are easy to love. Matt's sister and her husband are so fun and have given us two beautiful nieces. I have countless friends who have helped me to have a blast for thirty years.  

I always say that God knew exactly what He was doing when He put me and Matt together. It was no accident that we met even though Matt had just graduated and I had a year and a half of school left. Our vision for this life is identical. It is the reason why I have been able to stay home to raise our two most important little blessings. When I left for college I knew that what I really wanted to be was a wife and a mom. Today I am a wife. Today I am a mom. Tomorrow I will be thirty and my life looks exactly the way I pictured it back in the days when I had time to picture the future. Some of the road was bumpy but I would not change a thing because it got me to this place. This place where life is busy and sometimes hard but at the end of the day when that little girl and that little boy smile at me I remember that this is exactly where I want to be.