His Plan

I was doing the dishes this afternoon and something that happened almost 9 years ago came to mind. I continued praying but my mind circled back to it not letting me move on.  I started writing in my head and wondered if I had ever touched this topic on the blog. I don't remember so I decided to get it on paper.

I listened to a sermon from our preacher yesterday that I suspect has a bit to do with my thought process. He was discussing joy in the Christian's life. He reminded me that joy does not come from circumstances but in spite of them. It doesn't always look like smiley happy people. Often it is simply (Ha!) recognizing God's presence in all of our life situations.

Nine years ago was my first taste of a plan that I did not agree with. Don't get me wrong, I had experienced plenty of heartache and sad situations prior to that point. I had made bad decisions and lived with the consequences. I had always thought that God's plan was where I wanted to be. I thought I knew and trusted that his path was best and so the heartache up to this point was something I could live with and move past. Miscarriage, though, was not in my plan. And frankly, I didn't think it should be in God's plan either. At that point in my life I saw just how in control I actually wanted to be. I no longer wanted to trust what God had for me.

I'm not exactly sure how I made it through that time. I remember crying a lot and being angry a lot. And then God began to heal me. Not because I deserved it or because I stopped asking why but because He is a good God. Because His promises do not fail. Because if we cast our anxieties on him He cares. I do remember a moment in church when we sang the song "This is How We Overcome" by Hillsong. I remember crying and feeling as though my joy was being restored.

A little less than a year after my healing began I saw the reason for my miscarriage. I saw the sweetest face I had ever laid eyes on. I held my sweet baby Gracie and saw that she was a part of God's plan. I don't always love where God takes me in this life but in that experience I learned a little more about myself. I learned that I needed more work. I needed to trust more in God's plan and choose to find joy in all circumstances. Sometimes joy comes in the night through tears of pain and loss and sometimes it looks like sitting in a pew with tears streaming down. But here's what I'm thinking...If we are weeping and praying and longing for Him to make it right then we are right where He wants us to be - at the cross looking to Him because we know and believe that His plan is best.

Little Moments

Today Ada started swinging her arms. She did it while she was waiting patiently in the kitchen for a snack. Picture a little 15 month old in her too big 18 month footie pajamas. She brings me a bowl and I ask her if she wants a snack. She nods her head and says, "nack." She watches me go into the pantry and come out with the fruity cheerios box (don't judge) and hands me the bowl. Then she starts swinging her arms. Back to front, back to front. She can sort of hold a bowl without spilling all of its contents but only for about 30 seconds and only if she's not mobile. They spill! Then she sits and starts eating them off the floor and putting some back in the bowl. It's a bit of a mess. Especially if they don't get picked up and they get crushed but the dog will clean them up soon enough. I will hand that sweet toddler a bowl full of fruity cheerios and deal with crushed cereal all day long if she swings those arms so sweetly while she waits. It's the little moments like this that I hope I don't forget when they grow up.

Sunshine Falling

Here it is. Fall again. Spring had always been my season. I loved the new blooms and the warm air coming in. My birthday is in May so that probably played a large role in my love of the season. But seven years ago a new season took over for me. Seven years ago I began to see things differently.

We were still fairly new to the midwest so the Fall colors lit up my days like I'd never experienced before. I saw colors in nature I'd never seen.  We were anticipating the birth of our first baby. Gracie came in November and I anticipated that day with so much hope and love that it happened. Fall became, for me, the best time of year.

Fast forward seven years and three babies born in November and this time of year is exciting! I am still floored by these colors. Every chance we get I ooo and aww over this canvas that God creates for us. In the car the kids and I like to point out the beautiful reds and oranges as they start to peep through the foliage. The weather turns cool and we light the fire and snuggle up with a movie. We roast marshmallows in the back yard. We celebrate these babies and another good year with them.

Right now we are struggling through illness. For the past three weeks one of my sweet littles has been sick. I suppose it's better than all at once but it sure does drag on like this. I can catch myself frustrated at life and letting the joy fall out. Angry that sickness exists and that I have to watch my babies in pain. But then we hop in the car to drive through Chick-fil-A (because a mom has got to get out of the house y'all) and we ooo and aww over the colors. The trees in our neighborhood are like fire. The burning bushes are a shade of pink only God could create. The orange leaves are starting to fall to the ground and they look like sunshine. Sunshine Falling. And there it is...a little lift in my step. Thank you Father for the reminders of who you are - creator, sustainer, life-giver. Sometimes my eyes get clouded by the weight of it all. But today I see the sunshine you've laid out before me. Joy.

Watching the Sky

We let the kids stay up for the eclipse tonight. We lit a fire and roasted marshmallows. The sky was covered in clouds. I finished up some reading and as I did I prayed for clear skies so that my kids could see this amazing event. I walked outside and, sure enough, the moon! I made a point to tell them my prayers were answered. Don't we all need to hear things like that sometimes? I sat in my comfy patio chair in front of the fire. The kids wanted to sit in my lap. How could I say no? We sat and watched the moon. The clouds moved across the expanse and I spotted what can only be described as a rainbow in the night sky. It was amazing. And my kids were there to see it. We oohed and awwed over the colorful spot in the sky. A reminder of God's promises to us.

I texted my parents, they got in their car to drive to the country to find a good spot to watch. They almost forgot about it! We reminisced over a lunar eclipse from a vacation when I was a child and the sharks that came along with it. I only remember the sharks but I'm sure the eclipse thing happened too.

We joked with Gracie and Evan about how the next time an eclipse like this occurs they will be out of the house. They will be texting us to remind us to watch it.

Nights like this, I don't want to forget. I want to hold on to them. I want my kids to remember staying up 2 hours past bedtime, eating boy scout popcorn and s'mores and watching the sky.

Delivered

Pain and hurt surround me. Brokenness seems to be taking over. Tragedy envelopes this world in so many ways. Every day I try to look away but there it remains. It's getting closer it seems. It's getting worse I think. I meditate on this, "Is it really worse or do I see more now? Does it hurt more or does it hurt differently?"

As I get older I can't help but wonder if this world we live in is really changing or if I just didn't see it before. I see the results of the deceiver's work and wonder if his grip is getting tighter.

There is a song by Matt Maher on the radio. It is called deliverer. It has been growing in my heart every time I hear it. Do you experience that? A song that strengthens you. A song that speaks to you in the exact right moment. I received very sad news on Tuesday and it immediately came on in the car.  It was on my radar and now it lives in my heart.  I am leaving the lyrics here because I pray that they will wash over you as they have me. I pray that in all of life's circumstances the angels will sing us home and that we can shout with child-like faith that God is our deliverer.

I was a drifter, I had nowhere to go
I was hanging by threads of dust and bone
Every angel I knew was singing son come home
But the melody was hard to sing along

Oh God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us
Oh God, You're my deliverer

I was on trial for everything I did
And there's no way I could make a stand and win
When you realize the verdict is already in
You let go of the brokenness within
Well there's only One who can ever stand and win

Oh God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us
Oh God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us

And now I'm like a child at night
Who never has to think of why
We're free to love and live and die
And there's no need to justify
The sinner that's inside of me
Has lost all his control of me

My God, from the flood and from the fire
You brought me out, I am alive
With a faith, just like a child
I'm not afraid, I'm running wild
For everything that will be done
I am yours and you are my
Deliverer

The One, the One who carries us
God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us
Oh God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us
Oh God, You're my deliverer
The One, the One who carries us
God, You're my deliverer

I was hanging by threads of dust and bone

- Deliverer by Matt Maher

Parenthood

School starts tomorrow. My first baby starts first grade. I remember when Gracie was born. The day, the hour, the minute. I remember the ride on my hospital bed to my recovery room with her in my arms. I remember being told a few hours later there was some fear for me as they had trouble getting my temperature back to normal. I had no idea. I was lost in the "meeting moments" with my new baby girl. I didn't recognize her like I thought I would. Instead I was meeting this little one for the first time in the outside world. I knew her but I didn't know her yet.  I had friends with kids who were five, six and seven. I remember thinking, "We have so much time until we get to that point in our parenthood." I was wrong. 

Evan is three and half. He starts preschool at the church in a couple of weeks. I remember preparing for his arrival. I remember feeling like I may not have enough to give with two kids. I remember my heart growing to fit them both the instant he was born. I remember all of his hair and those dark eyes. He had a chin dimple. I remember putting him in the car next to Gracie to go home and thinking how perfectly his blue looked next to her pink. I remember rocking and singing sweet songs to him. I remember holding him those first few days and thinking, "He cannot be my last baby." Gracie was three, starting to dress herself and communicate in words instead of tantrums. It was going to be so long until Evan was there. I was wrong.

Ada is almost nine months old. I remember, less than a year ago, preparing our new home for her. I remember getting up early on November 21st. I remember the nurses sticking me over and over to get an IV in. I remember how loud she cried in the operating room. I remember being so surprised by her dark hair and skin. I remember the quiet of the hospital room as we cuddled the most content baby we had ever experienced. I remember bringing her to our new house and it suddenly felt like our home. I remember those first few months when she would sleep anywhere with all the bustle of life around her. I remember taking my time with her. I remember cherishing the quiet moments feeding her. I remember, in my motherhood exhaustion just last week, thinking to myself, "She is just a baby, she needs me at 5:30 in the morning." I am more aware now of how fast it goes. I know that I will blink and she will be sleeping all night most nights. The memories of her first moments will start to fade. I will forget what her babbling voice sounded like. In an instant she will be in first grade and I will think to myself, "We have so much time until we send her out into the big world." And I will be wrong. 

Home

Gracie is adjusting well to Kindergarten. She likes her teacher and seems to be enjoying making new friends. She likes to go everyday but only has one complaint. She feels as though she doesn't have enough time to enjoy home. She has more than once complained about not being able to play with her toys or sit and do a craft project. I know she is playing and learning at school but there is just something about being home that is good for the soul. For me it is a place to relax, recharge, regroup and prepare for going out into the world again. For Gracie it is a place to play and create and be herself.

For several months we were uprooted and I could feel it. And the kids could feel it. And, if I'm honest, we were all a bit grumpy. Now we are starting to find those roots again. We are settling in to our new home. 

I have not done much sitting still. We are quickly working to get our new place in order so that we can accomplish a few of the items on the "Prepare for baby #3" list before this sweet little girl makes her arrival. Hopefully in due time and not before. 

But today, I'm sitting a little. I'm enjoying hearing Evan play in the basement. I'm enjoying the organizing we have done and fully confident we will get to the rest in time. I am basking in the peace that the Lord has provided in the midst of all these boxes and bubble wrap. I am thanking Him for the blessing of home and all the love it is filled with.