School Supplies

My sweet Ada is so excited for kindergarten. She tells everyone we talk to that this is her year. She is ready to buy a backpack and school supplies. I am excited too. But I'm also weepy. Not for the normal "my last baby is off to school" reasons but because I am so sad that her year is covered by Covid. Right now our district is still planning to open in three weeks with face masks and social distancing. That could change though. No matter how we go back to school we won't get to do the normal first year of school things. No meet the teacher night, no ice cream social. We will put her on the bus on the first day of school and send her off. I love our schools. I have no doubt her teacher will be amazing and will make this transition as easy as possible given the strange circumstances. But my heart is still aching for what she will miss.

I texted a friend yesterday to ask her how she was and we chatted about the uncertainty we are all facing. She's not sure how many of her classes will be online and it keeps changing often. I shared my anxieties about the school year for my kids. I told her I have been repeating to myself, "Be still and Know..." but that my mind was having trouble settling into it. Then I sent something to her that really was a reminder to myself. I said, "The not knowing is hard. The older I get the more I want things to be in line. To know ahead of time. Which means I need God's peace even more. As it should be, right? If it was all easy and good we wouldn’t know we need a peace bringing, life giving, soul saving savior." The Spirit spoke to my soul in that moment and brought a sense of peace. I don't have to know exactly what this year will look like. It doesn't have to look like it did for my first two kiddos when they went off to kindergarten. 

Today I am resting on the bright side. Gracie said at the table last night, "Ada will always remember her kindergarten year." Maybe it's a blessing she will have a different experience. Evan will be on the bus with her. They will share a seat. He will show her the ropes like the great big brother he is. Today I'm reading this scripture with a greater peace in my soul "He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10.”  Today, I am trusting that He is with all of us. Even my sweet little baby Ada. Today, we are buying school supplies. 

More of You

Driving home from church tonight I passed a stretch of foliage that was starting to show signs of the season. Suddenly the phrase "season of me" leapt into my mind. I was coming home early from church to put the little ones down because Wednesdays are visit days which means they get little to no nap and need an early bedtime. I was feeling sad that I wouldn't be able to attend class tonight. This is definitely not a "season of me." In fact, the moment I became a mom ended what seemed like a "season of me." That time between college and kids where we think we're in charge of life.

Then, as I often do, I mulled over these thoughts and it didn't take long for me to realize that a "season of me" is not something I will ever have again. Not because I'll always be a hands on caretaker but because as I grow in my faith I am more and more aware that it is no longer I that am in control. Honestly, I would rather not be. I am longing for transformation in my heart. I pray that I am becoming more and more like Jesus. I hope that my ways are shifting further and further into the background so that His ways can prevail. As John says in chapter six and verse 30, "He must become greater, I must become less."

I wish I could say that the selfish part of me has subsided so far into the depths that I rise everyday ready to meet the challenges God has before me with the greatest grace and dignity, but I would be lying if I did. Daily I fail. Daily I struggle with the mundane and hard parts of my job. Daily I call on God to show me grace and allow me to show grace to those around me. Daily I pray, "more of you, Lord and less of me."

Grandmother's Letters

A few weeks ago, in an attempt to do a bit of organizing, I grabbed my box of letters and notes that I've kept through the years and started sorting through them. I had letters from family and friends from as far back as high school. Simple notes that were dropped in the mail from a friend in college. Birthday cards from my parents. A thank you card from my sister-in-law from before she was my sister-in-law. Emails from my Dad that I printed out (a good thing because I'm not sure I could access that old email address these days).

A few of the special letters came from my Grandmothers. My Dad's Mom (Granny to me) sent me a letter typed on a typewriter during my freshmen year of high school. My family moved that year. It was really hard for me and she took time to write to me about a time when she experienced the same sort of move and apprehension. My Mom's Mom (Grandma) sent me cards while I was in college. Simple little notes to let me know she was thinking about me. I remember getting those notes and feeling encouraged.

I'm sure I did not appreciate those notes as much when I received them. I enjoyed them but I had a lot of life to live and so I didn't realize just what a blessing it is to have generations of people encouraging me. I didn't yet know the calling they were following came from the God who created us all. You see, God did not create us to live separate lives. He does not call us to attempt to figure this life out on our own. He gave us a church body, a family, to walk beside us. One of our greatest resources for Godly living is sitting right beside us on Sunday morning.

I have been contemplating intergenerational church lately. The idea was introduced to me by a dear friend at church, one who has much more wisdom than I do. I find myself longing for my kids to know their church family. Not just their friends and our small group but the whole church. I want them to feel as though they have a whole church of grandparents that they can look to for wisdom and guidance. I want them to hear what the generations that have gone before me have to say about this life we are living.

It is not just a blessing to learn from the wisdom of those who have made it further in life than we have, it is a calling.

3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Fledglings

I love to watch the birds this time of year. A family of robins nested in a tree in our front yard and we have been enjoying peeking in to watch them grow from little blue eggs to fledglings ready to leave the nest. Yesterday at lunch time Evan spotted two of those little birds on one of our chairs on the back porch. There were several adult birds keeping watch from the fence posts. A community of robins with a goal! We stood at the sliding door for quite awhile and watched as the flight lesson played out. One of the fledglings took a leap and flew straight into the neighbors house! But she picked herself up quickly and was zipping through our yard in no time perching in the trees for a break and taking flight again. The second little guy took his time though. He sat for what must have been twenty minutes just waiting. Working up the courage, I think, to take flight. At one point one of the adult birds that had been staying close came to the chair with a nice juicy worm in his mouth. He was there to encourage the little guy, I'm sure. Shortly after that Ada scared him from his perch and he took to the skies.

This week Evan had a Kindergarten assessment. As we were leaving the school the teacher asked if he was ready for next year and then she turned to me and asked the same thing. With no hesitation I replied, "Absolutely!" It's not that I am eager to send my fledglings out into the world yet. Though I do crave the quiet that will come when it does happen now and again! I am simply enamored at every turn that this journey takes. I am so proud of Gracie and the little lady she is becoming. The conversations we have about life and friendship and the future are moments I would never want to miss by keeping her little. I am so excited to see how Evan leaps into Kindy next year with a room full of new friends and a teacher to guide him on his learning path. I am trying to, ever so patiently, navigate the tricky waters that are the "2's almost 3's" with Ada as she tests her boundaries and learns what she is capable of.

Motherhood is a journey. It's a process of watching and guiding our little robins from tiny infant to fledglings ready to fly the nest. I am excited to see what types of people my little ones become. I have high hopes that with plenty of guidance and lots of prayer they will take to the skies with determination and the Breath of God to hold them up.

To Remember

There are moments with my kids that I don't want to forget. I sometimes pause and try and make a mental picture, an image I will be able to recall in years to come. When they are all grown and flying the coop I would like to remember what it was like to have them little. To have the giggles and the running feet and even the chaos surrounding me.

A few weeks ago Ada asked for fruit snacks in her sweet two year old way. "Mama, I have fruit snacks now?" Her head cocked to the side and the pitch of her voice raised just a bit to be extra soft and sweet. I said, "Yes." because I am not a monster (and those eyes!) and followed her to the pantry. There is just something about following a two-year old around. She used to be so little and unsure. Now she seems so big and confident. She can open the pantry door, after all! I watched her little head lead me to the gold at the end of the snack request and made a wish to remember following these sweet little bodies around the house as they led me on the adventures that little preschoolers go on. To remember what it looks like to see an infant go from crawling to toddling to confidently stepping through life with purpose. Little humans growing up!

This morning Evan had his final basketball game of the season. He has improved over the six weeks he has been playing. Sometimes it's hard to watch my kids struggle at something new. I want to dribble for them and tell them where to go and who to guard. During the game Evan caught a catch and made a basket. Matt caught it on video. What he didn't catch on video is the look on his face. I was sitting behind the goal and after he made that shot he looked directly at me with a look of surprise on his face. He was asking if I saw it with his eyes. I gave him a big smile and a thumbs up. I was such a proud mom in that moment. Not just because he made a goal but because he was so pleased with himself. I hope to never forget the look on his face as he found me in the crowd to share in his excitement.

I was shopping at a craft show a couple of weeks ago and I found something that I just knew I had to get for Gracie. It was a little wooden plaque with the words "Bless the Lord oh my soul" on it. Every time I hear the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman I think of little Gracie singing "Bless the Lord of my sword" so many years ago. I gave her the plaque this week and told her the story of listening to her sing the words she had come up with in the back seat many years ago. She didn't remember singing those words but she does know the song now. She asked "Alexa" to play the song for us while she crafted and I cleaned the kitchen. Mother and Daughter singing praises to our Heavenly Father.

"The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing 
When the evening comes..."

Lord, let me "sing your song" with every new day. Let my children see me face "whatever lies before me" with a song in my heart. Let me remember all these sweet moments when the evening comes. 

Brilliant Fall Fields

I have been doing a lot of driving these days. To preschool to drop off, to preschool to pick up, to Bible study, to the grocery store, to the store for party supplies, etc. As I drive I often "write" in my head. I listen for the words that God may give me and hope I remember them when I get to a computer or notepad to jot them down. Today I have been specifically thinking about my kids and the words I might use to wish them a happy birthday this month. I know they will not read them this year. They are too young for Facebook and don't visit the blog. But I love creating a moment for them that they may be able to read later in life and know that Mom was thinking of them. I have been "writing" about all the beautiful Fall colors for a week now and today God gave me the words I wanted to share with my little ones.

In the past week I have been overtaken by the beauty in this season. I have driven past many areas where the bright yellow, orange, red and brown leaves have fallen to blanket the ground in a golden hue that only God could create. As I see the sun shining through the leaves in the trees that have yet to fall I have been tempted on many occasions to pull over and stand in the middle of that shining moment. I think it must be so warm, so peaceful, there. Eyes closed, the sun on my face and the sound of rustling leaves all around. It is a picture of Heaven I think. Standing in the middle of God's presence, His light shining on my face and the sound of angels praising all around.

My kid's birthdays are like those brilliant Fall fields for me. Every year I am overtaken by the beauty in each child God has blessed us with. I am so grateful for the way the Lord is working in my life and in theirs. I want to stop and pull over and dance with my babies in a forest full of colors that only God can create and remind them, not only how much I love them, but how much the Father in Heaven loves them.

So, I wish my babies, Happy Birthday! I pray that this year is filled with many moments that cause us to stop and pull over to stand in the presence of the God who created all.

Confession

A couple of weeks ago during our family prayer before bedtime Matt prayed,  "Help us to show you to other people." When he was done he asked our kids if they knew what that meant. They remained quiet thinking through the answer. I asked them if they knew what the fruit of the Spirit was (Galations 5:22-23) and was pleasantly surprised when Gracie started to list the different qualities of the fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (props to our wonderful kids program teachers at North Central for impressing this truth into her precious mind)

We discussed how we know that if we see apples on a tree it is an apple tree, that if we see oranges on a tree it is an orange tree and that if people see the fruit of the spirit in us they will know we are God's trees. It got really silly there for a bit. Picture this mom waving her arms around and the kids laughing it up. We had a serious discussion about whether my fingers were the fruit or the branches...it got real!

It's funny how discussions with my kids and teaching moments for them flow into a time of learning and growing for me as well.

I started BSF this year and we are studying the book of John. I have read and studied this book before but BSF has been taking me deeper. It has turned my focus to Jesus and my life in relationship to Him. It has allowed the spirit to convict me of things in my life that need to change. I am human and I fall short daily. I forget to love the people around me, I trade joy for frustration and discontentment, I am impatient with my children and I let my lack of self control rob my peace, I am not always kind to the people closest to me, sometimes my thoughts are far from good and my gentleness turns into harshness, I succumb to pride and forget that my gifts are from God and I am nothing without Him.

 I think, even as a faithful follower of God, I forget that all I have is His. That all I do is for Him. That all my fruit should point to him.

In John 3:22-36 Jesus came to baptize many people as John the Baptist had been doing before. John the Baptist's disciples were envious of Jesus and they thought John might be too. But his reaction was not one of pride or envy. He was so humble. He was overjoyed that Jesus was coming to fulfill the promise. He said, in verse 30, "He must increase, but I must decrease." I can't get those words out of my mind. My focus is shifting. God is working in me in places I hadn't realized I needed Him to before. This walk is not one that is ever done and I am thankful for that. I am Thankful that God will not leave me where I am but calls me to come and learn and grow and share and experience the peace and joy that comes from knowing and following Him. So if you have a mind to, please pray for me. That I will decrease and that He will increase.